Today's Thoughts

I like this video, and it makes me anxious as well. The scene where the couple is standing in the hallway looking at their family portrait makes me panic. My brother Jim died in the fall. In a helicopter crash. It feels like he just vanished. Disappeared. We don't have a family portrait with ALL of our family in it, and with him. The last pictures taken of all of us were at Caralee's wedding, we don't have one with the 3 youngest grandchildren though. Now it's too late.

I love pictures, hate posing for them, but love to have them after the fact. Pictures are pieces of the past. Tangible memories. Moments that last forever. Something to hold on to... Something to hold on to.

Brett keeps bugging me to schedule an appointment for portraits for our family as we haven't had any since Max was born. Last time I scheduled to have them done Izzy fell and split her face open needing stitches that evening. I feel like if I schedule the event again something bad will inevitably happen. It's a looming feeling. Regardless, I really want a portrait to hold on to this part of our lives, the stages our kids are in now, those beautiful little perfect faces. Even if I'm just being paranoid about things changing, things will change, I know that. Life always changes. I just hope we can get some decent pictures taken so I can quit thinking about it. I also hope that with whatever comes in life, I can feel the gravity of existence with as much optimism and gratitude as Stephanie, and that I can continue to have my sweet family here with me until I'm so old and gray that everyone around me wants to take pictures with me on every occasion to be able to capture their memories of me before I kick it. Also, and God, if you're listening I'd appreciate if I could have Brett's hand in mine until then, and can we die together like in The Notebook? Okay, thanks.